Shoot Your Shot 2020: New Hampshire’s Poutine

I need someone to help me understand how a pork chop can be swimming in gravy and still be dry.

– Anonymous

The following conversation took place at a recent cookout.

“See, I told you those Iowa pork chops weren’t seasoned. The last-second Lawry’s didn’t help at all!”

“You were right. The whole thing was a hot ass mess.”

“And we’re still not completely certain who’ll get to sit in The Big Chair?”

“Well it’s looking like Bernie got more votes, but Mayor Pete ended up with *checks notes* more State Delegate Equivalents. Anyway, after all this mess they ended up tied in the delegate count, because of course they did!”

“So who get’s The Big Chair?”

“Let’s give Pete The Big Chair for now. Let’s put a folding chair at The Big Table for Bernie, but he can eat off the wedding china.”

“So Bernie’s at The Big Table but he’s sitting in a folding chair and eating on wedding china?”

“Yes, and he was eating Partna on the backporch before the heart attack. He’ll be alright.”

“Got it. So let’s move on to New Hampshire. Do you know what they’re gonna bring?” [Sips drink]

“They’ve already sent us a big dish of poutine.”

“[Spits out drink] WHAT?!?!? What did you say!?!?”


“What the hell is Poutine?”

“You’ve never heard of Poutine?”

“Uh…maybe not?”

“It’s loaded french fries. It’s a French-Canadian dish that’s very popular in New Hampshire. They even have a festival.”

“Loaded fries? Well, why didn’t you just say that?!?!”

“Because it’s called ‘poutine’, my friend.”

“Ooooooookaaaaaaayyy. So who’s looking like they’re gonna win this one?”

“Bernie is holding on to a big lead right now. Uncle Joe is in second, and you can’t forget that Warren is a strong candidate from a neighboring state. We’ll see if Mayor Pete’s tummy-full of unseasoned pork will give him enough strength for Tuesday.”

“Ah, so it’s looking like Bernie’s got a good shot at [singing] gettin’ that poutine.”


“Couldn’t help that one.”

“*Sigh* Anyway, polls indicate that the Granite State voters wanna hear more about health care and the environment than impeachment. So get ready to see these jokers start fishing their health care plans out of their bags.”

From what I know about New Hampshire, you’ll want some salt and pepper.

“Well we’ll see what happens next week. The winner will be up to their waist in that poutine!”


“Sorry. That was the last one, I promise.”

“Okay. Well I think that about covers it. All that’s left to do now is make sure that Bernie and Pete don’t come to blows. I’m gonna be upset if I see a pork chop bone flying across the room.

“I’ll go get Bernie’s folding chair.”

“Thanks so much for your help. “

“Just make sure to [singing] break me off a piece of that poutine!”


[Runs Away]

(Photo Credit: Ella Olsson on

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