“Can you count, suckas?!?! I say the future is ours, if you can count!”Cyrus from “Warriors“
The following conversation took place at a recent cookout:
[Taps Glass of Brown]
There will be nearly 4,000 delegates that will be awarded over the next couple of months, and the person who wins the majority of them (around 1,990) will get the keys to the van!
Allow me to take a moment to share a few important notes as we officially begin this process.
Note 1: As you can see, we’ve taken the center leaf out of The Big Table, taking us from 6 seats down to 4. We’ve also brought out one of the bigger dining room chair with the arm rests. This seat will be reserved for the person with the most delegates. The man or woman in this chair will also use one of the formal dinner settings that’s only been used twice in ten years.
Note 2: Each state, district, or territory will send a dish prior to their primary. Winners will get first dibs on each of these dishes. Be advised that some of these dishes will…uh…have more seasoning than others. Please season to taste.
Note 3: Now that we’re in the middle of Countin’ Season, there’s no longer a need for The Other Table. After Iowa, everyone who’s not at the Big Table will be moved to the Sammich Circle. This will be an opportunity to look at your number of delegates, check your bank account, and make some choices. The Other Table will be used for the state dishes, along with a seemingly necessary assortment of seasonings, spices, and hot sauces.
Note 4: Lastly, we will be keeping the Literal Hall of Justice for the time being. We were planning on moving a certain person’s big ol’ fancy mahogany chair to the Sammich Circle. But in recent weeks, this big-spender has added a fancy marble-topped tray table, sterling silver cutlery, and a Waterford Crystal drinking glass. We can’t fit all that shit in the den, so it’s staying in the hallway. Be careful squeezing by him on your way to the bathroom.
That’s all I have right now. Are there any questions?
[Question from one the guests…]
“*Sigh* yes, if you win enough delegates in Iowa, you will be seated at the Big Table. I still ain’t studdin’ you, but Countin’ Season is about fairness.
Are there any other questions?”
[Another question from one of the guests…]
“No, you will still be eating Partna if you’re not at The Big Table. Yes, you will look silly eating Parta on your fancy marble-topped tray table.
If there are no other questions, thank you for listening, and good luck!”