Shoot Your Shot 2020: The Tuesday Super Buffet

“Hello? Did everyone forget about me? I’m sitting by myself with all of the sandwiches. I mean…sammiches!”

-Anonymous

The following conversation took place at a recent cookout:

“Alright, it’s time to get it rollin’! We’ve got a HUGE day ahead of us!”

“Ooh I know, but is there anyone left?”

“We’ve got enough. Bernie is in The Big Chair with Uncle Joe on one side and E-Dubs on the other.”

“E-Dubs?”

“She’s been the only guest without a nickname here. Thought I’d test one out.”

“Not sold on it, but it’s better than the other options I’ve heard.”

“Thanks. We may also see the dude in the fancy mahogany chair finally move to The Big Table. Not sure if he’ll win a state, but he should get delegates.”

“Yeah, his chances don’t look so good right now, but at least he agreed to let us use his fancy chair and table if he grabs his sammich.”

“Right. Anyway, we have a ton of food coming today from several states. Are you ready to check our list?”

“I’m on it. Let’s begin.”

“Okay, for the main dishes…

  • Alabama is bringing BBQ Chicken with White BBQ Sauce,
  • Maine is bringing Lobster Rolls,
  • North Carolina is bringing Pulled Pork with Vinegar-based BBQ Sauce [eye roll],
  • Texas is bringing Brisket,
  • Virginia is bringing a Smithfield Ham…”

“Man that sounds good, but what’s in that big container?”

“Oh, that’s from California. They sent us [opens container] a Big Ass Burrito.”

“Dang! What a Big Ass Burrito! Why is their dish so much larger than every other dish on the table?!?!”

“That’s just how they roll. We’ll see how we end up dividing it.”

“No doubt. So did anyone bring side dishes?”

“Oh absolutely! Let’s see…

  • Arkansas is bringing a Rice dish,
  • Massachusetts is bringing Boston Baked Beans,
  • Minnesota is bringing Hot Dish, which might not get eaten because (1) you know it’s unseasoned, and (2) the one person who would’ve smashed it left yesterday,
  • Oklahoma is bringing Sonic Tater Tots, which I’m not mad at,
  • Tennessee is bringing a plate of Cracker Barrel Biscuits, which I’m also not mad at,
  • Vermont is bringing Maple Syrup, which will be the perfect match for the Biscuits,
  • Utah is bringing Funeral Potatoes,
  • And American Samoa is bringing a Taro Root dish.”

“Wait, we’re missing one. What about Colorado?”

“You want my what?”

“Oh yeah! Colorado is bringing…Rocky Mountain Oysters.”

“Oysters? But Colorado is nowhere near the…oh no. NO! SERIOUSLY?!?!?!”

“Yep.”

“How could they?!?! Who’s gonna eat that mess?!?!”

“Wait, don’t you eat chitlins?”

“Shut up.”

“LOL! Anyway, there have been several polls, but it’s hard to tell how this day will end due to all the recent changes. Biden is sportin’ lapel pins from Amy, Beto, and Mayor Pete, which may affect the outcome.”

“Yes, and I see Bernie has hung a Public Enemy poster on the wall behind his chair.”

“Hey, why is there a huge portion of the poster missing. Was part of it torn off?”

“Long story...”

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