Shoot Your Shot 2020: Updated Seating Chart

Please pass the torch. I need to light the stove to cook up some more Partna!

– Anonymous

The following conversation was overheard at a recent cookout:

“Welp, after all the fun we had last week, we need to make a few changes to the seating arrangements. Do you have your clipboard ready?”

“Got it. Ready to go.”

“Cool. So let’s start with The Big Table. Kamala Harris and Elizabeth Warren are still there, and we will give them special glasses of brown from the bottle Eric Holder brought over. Kirsten Gillibrand is still there as well.”

“What about Biden?”

“Ah yes, Biden. Biden is still at the Big Table, but we’re taking his special glass. And I was hoping he’d get the message to step his game up with the souse meat cubes on his plate. But apparently it wasn’t enough.”

“What do you have in mind?”

“We’re gonna give him a Crossroads Plate. It’ll be half BBQ, and half Panburger Partner. We’re gonna see if that Partna helps him get his **** together, or we might have to bus his tail to the S.E.T.H. Room.

Then we’re gonna add seats at The Big Table for Mayor Pete and Julian Castro.”

“What about Cory Booker?”

“Unfortunately, and you hate to see it, but Cory has been bumped to The Other Table. Booker will be there with Amy Klobuchar, Michael Bennett.”

“Sounds good. Will those be the only folks at The Other Table?”

“So check this out! We’re also gonna add Jay Inslee, John Hickenlooper, and Steve Bullock from The Governor’s Card Table. We’ll have to squeeze in another chair, but we should make it work.”

“And what about the card table?”

“Not sure yet. I’m sure we can put it to good use.”

“OOH! What if we use it for To-Go bags for candidates who drop out? We can put in a sammich, an apple, and a juice box.”

“Damn that’s a great idea! Done!”

“Thanks! What about the rest of these folks?”

“Okay, I think we need to cluster these folks more. Andrew Yang scared the hell out of me when I was getting the laundry out the other day. We’ll put him in The Den now. He can sit on the couch or ottoman with Marianne Williamson, Beto O’Rourke, and John Delaney.”

“Didn’t Beto start in the Dining Room? Dang!”

“Yeah man, but we told him to bring something. Aint seen nothin’ yet!”

[Singing]”What about the S.E.T.H. Rooooooom?”

“Oh man The S.E.T.H. Room it’s gonna be PACKED with problematic dudes now! Of course our namesake Seth Moulton will be there. He’ll be joined by…

  • Eric Swalwell
  • Tim Ryan
  • Not Andrew Gillum
  • Bill de Blasio, and
  • Joe Sestak

“And Bernie is still on The Back Porch?”

“Yep! Still aint studdin’ Bernie!”

“What about Tulsi Gabbard? She did alright at the debate. Can’t we at least put her in a folding chair in the Den?”

“Is she still the candidate who’s cool with Assad?”


“Back Porch it is! And I’m not even worried about Mike Gravel, Vermin Supreme, or anyone else in The Backyard. They’ll have to fend for themselves at this point.”

“I’ll throw a conch out there so they can communicate.”

“Another great idea!”

“Alright, let’s tell these jokers where they’ll be sitting.”

[To be continued…]

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